I haven’t significantly travelled in six years. A combination of illness, pain, fear, anxiety, and general life circumstances has kept me grounded in ways I never imagined. I’m finally planning a trip and I’m an anxious wreck about it. I’d much rather feel excited, optimistic, and all the other normal things I used to feel about travel. Instead, I miss the benzos I gave up years ago. They were a band-aid for my problems, but there was always a moment of relief when they kicked in (until there wasn’t, which is a story for another day, but I’m glad I’m off those things).
I could make an extremely detailed list of my fears, concerns, and anxieties about travel, but it’s almost embarrassing. In fact, it is embarrassing. I miss being normal, whatever that is. I miss really living rather than being overcome with worry.
I have a major sensitivity to mycotoxins, the toxic chemicals produced by many molds. I have Lyme Disease, which, while not listed by any official governmental sources as being extra hazardous for mold exposure, well, it is. I know way too many people, plus my own experience, to deny a link. Anecdotal? I guess so, but we have no motive other than telling our truth. I also have the super fun HLA-DR genetic marker that makes a person more susceptible to severe effects from toxic molds.
Between my fear of being exposed to mold while traveling and my undeniable physical issues, it’s easy to shrink life down to exclude travel. My back and neck are a disaster even when I stay home, but at least I have all the things I’m used to that help me attempt to get comfortable. What if a hotel mattress leaves me debilitated? What if a cabin pillow locks down my neck for days?
Swirling, negative thoughts override hope and excitement and have all but taken over my life at this point. So, I’ve decided to try to travel. I don’t want to be a person whose health issues become their personality, their identity, their life. But y’all, I’m terrified of this trip.
I’m starting a list of Maybe/Must/Consider items for travel. Perhaps it’s pointless, but a little advanced preparation and a ton of overthinking seems like it might help calm down my anxiety. We’ll see. Here’s my list so far:
- All supplements and medications (duh, but still…)
- A small HEPA air purifier dedicated to travel (not purchased yet, because the cost is ugh)
- CBD salve and Tiger Balm
- EC3 air purification candle (I have no idea if they really work)
- Earplugs and eye mask in case my body actually tries to sleep
- Hard surface cleaning wipes
- Water bottle with built-in filter (not yet bought because I need to read more about them)
- Lacrosse ball for muscle spasm relief
- Wavy foam roller that helps mobilize restricted vertebrae
If you can relate to any of this, I’m sorry you’re going through it. Hopefully it helps to know you’re not alone in the black hole of travel anxiety. I bought a new backpack on sale to try to help me get excited about traveling. It’s not working so far, but at least I have a nice, new pack for all the stuff on my list.